Thursday, October 31, 2013

I think I'm going to throw-up while simultaneously crying. This won't end well.

Today I ran out the door at 7:28 to try and get to the new sunrise chapel at OC by 7:30. I wanted to support the students that have put it together - because they deserve it.

In order to do that, I slapped Mia's vampire make-up on her face, ran to Bode's room for 2.9 seconds to see him in his costume, and on the way out the door I yelled over my shoulder to remind Andy that the Halloween parties start at 2:45 and I can't come this time because I have a bible study at 2:15, and he will have to be the mom, and to be sure and start at Bode's class and then go to Mia's because it's Bode's first class party and he needs you the most, but don't forget about Mia because she needs you too.......

And then I started crying. And I haven't been able to stop.

I swear sometimes I think I can't do this. This whole working mom thing. This whole mom thing. I feel guilty when I'm fulfilled by my work, and I feel guilty when I love my kids more. I feel guilty when Andy has to do the laundry, and I feel guilty when it takes a ring around the toilet to remind me that it needs to be cleaned.

And don't even get me started about graduate school. If you remind me that I chose to do this, I might end your life, accidentallyonpurpose.

I used to do laundry on Wednesdays and clean on Fridays. Now I do bible studies on Wednesdays and more bible studies on Fridays. It's good, meaningful work, and I am proud of it. But I was also quite proud of my clean house and my clean underwear.

When will this whole life thing get easy?

I don't like to get on rants about how hard it is to be a woman. But, dang, it's hard to be a woman. Your heart is always in two different places.

I remember when Mia was first born, lying in bed listening to Andy talk to one of his buddies on the phone. They were talking about the new movie they just saw, and the book they were reading, and the new album that just came out. And I burst into tears because I had nothing going on but this little crying, pooping, bundle of stress and complete joy and I couldn't imagine ever getting to watch a movie again in my entire life.

And today, I'm crying because I have more going on than I ever wanted - most of it good. And the thought of sitting still long enough to see a movie doesn't even sound fun anymore.

We tell each other all the time that we can't have it all. But the irony is, we have no choice but to have it all sometimes. Not all of us have the choice to be an employee or a mother or a student or a mentor or a leader or a domestic engineer maid.

I guess what we need to tell each other (and ourselves) is that we will have it all whether we want it or not. What we can't have is perfection. That illusive b**** that dangles itself in front of us and whispers in our ear that we are almost there...that if we try just a little bit harder we will get it.

Perfection is the devil that is trying like crazy to keep us from experiencing grace.

Today it almost won.

Almost.

7 comments:

Wa Wa Waughs said...

Oh, my dear! You have such a way with words...I wrote a post on busyness last week but didn't post it because I didn't think it was good enough or entertaining enough or...WHATEVER. It is HARD and there are times I double-booked myself and had to ask forgiveness. I didn't do graduate school and of course now i wish maybe I had...but the moral of the story is sometimes you have to slow down and take a deep breath, think over your priorities and say NO to others. Have eternal perspective. I'm preaching to myself too. Love you.

Mark Brewer said...

Shalom aleikhem

May peace be upon you. And blessings.

Ryan and Katie said...

thank you for posting this! I just started working 2 days a week and have already had the range of emotions and tears and guilt and full heart and WHEN AM I SUPPOSED TO GROCERY SHOP NOW moments, it's made me even more nervous for full time school next year!

Maria Clark said...

Loved this post. Honestly. So glad you shared it! Many days I even struggle at home because "am I doing more laundry (fill in that blank with numerous things!) that playing with my kids?" Motherhood is hard for sure… but it's nice to know to that others feel the same way :)

Michelle said...

This is a great post! Being busy, working, being a mom, must be on a lot of people's minds lately. I seriously struggle everyday, mostly I think it's hormones, but more then not I think why am I having another kid, I can't even keep a diaper on my youngest....

Chellie said...

I don't think this holiday filled time of the year helps any either. I tend to get meal plans done, but then never have time to actually go to the store. The other day I took juice for B's school party and he asked me why it didn't have snacks on top and look like a robot. Can't do it all kid.

Amanda said...

thanks for sharing - well said. Being a mom is hard!