Saturday, October 25, 2014

Why Children Should Not Be Allowed in Public

In a crowded Mexican restaurant with no less than 15 Hispanic people around us:

Bode: I know all about opposites. I can tell you the opposite of ANYTHING!
Me: Ok.
Bode: Like, the opposite of ice cream is.....snowcones!
Me: Hmmmm.....
Bode: And the opposite of cats is dogs!
Mia, in complete exasperation: Bode, not everything has an opposite. Why are you so annoying?
Bode, shoving chips in his mouth and smacking loudly: The opposite of salsa is queso!
Mia, about to blow up: BO. DEE. Those are not opposites! What is wrong with you? It's such a burden to be more intelligent than everyone else on the entire planet. (well, not that last part, but given the judgy look on her face, I am sure she was thinking it.)
Bode in a super loud voice that every person within 10 feet of us was sure to hear: And the opposite of Mexican is.......NORMAL!!!

Check, please.

This kid. What he lacks in knowledge he more than makes up for in confidence.

Monday, October 13, 2014

So, my kid is a ten-ager.

 Mia turned 10 on Wednesday. It was epic. And by epic I mean it was pretty chill and low-key. I tried my best to make this into a big deal but she wanted nothing to do with it.
 These two are identical. 
All she asked for was Captain Crunch for breakfast. Against my better judgement, I succumbed. She also got this little heart ring from me. Because a ten year old girl needs a ring.
 Cookie cake from Eileen's and home-made oreo mint ice cream.
 Apparently, Bode couldn't wait until he got his bowl. 
 There is something about watching a person open presents that's captivating. 
 Mia had a couple of friends spend the night which means that I got to chaperone a slumber party. I do not leave slumber partied unattended for one single minute. I even slept with them. We all know even the sweetest kids turn evil after dark at a slumber party.  
We played a nail painting game. Whatever you landed on, I would paint a nail that color. If they landed on the remover then one came off. The person to get all ten nails painted first won.
 These two have shared twenty birthdays together. 
 Mia insisted on everyone making their own snack mix and she insisted there be ten different items. She also insisted it be perfect.
 Ten bowls of crap all in a row:
 On Saturday Mia got to build her own birthday. She got to choose everything we did as a family and everything we ate. She chose the science museum, catfish for dinner, Dolphin Tale 2 at the movie theater, and Cheesecake factory for dessert.

If you want to spend less than 5 hours at the science museum, do not go with Mia. It's actually kind of freaky how she never gets tired of learning things.
Best ten years of my life. Also, most exhausting ten years of my life. But still, the best.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Vomit pallet, 2014

So, the annual stomach virus hit the kids the other day. Per usual, it struck in the dead middle of the night and, of course, the first child didn't make it to the bathroom. She prefers puking on soft surfaces like carpet and mattresses, it's just more comfortable.

Nothing will blow up a marriage like scrubbing vomit out of carpet at 1 AM.  It brings out the worst in couples. Or is it just us?

Anyway, after the initial shock, I go into full attack mode. Thus, the vomit pallet. The vomit pallet consists of towels, blankets, more towels, a vomit bowl, phenergan, a water bottle, hand sanitizer, and a clear, lit path to the toilet.

This is the only way to survive. 

If I'm lying next to the vomit pallet, I'm able to predict, with pretty good accuracy, when the next episode will hit. The kid will be sleeping pretty soundly and then they will start tossing and turning. Next, they will kick the covers off, and when you hear the first moan it's action time. You wake the kid and start dragging them to the toilet, all the while carrying the vomit bowl carefully under their chin. 

It's a delicate dance.
After anywhere from 6-25 more episodes of this, you get your kid back:
To be honest, I don't know which version of Bode is more exhausting.