Saturday, October 30, 2010

Look what the evil Halloween spirits brought me...

That's right, folks, my very first kidney stone (aka vampire baby)!

And it goes a little somthin' like this:

Sunday:  Feeling kinda weird with some lower back pain.  Headed out for my usual run and had to turn around and come back home after about 50 yards.

Monday:  More back pain and the general yucks.

Monday night:  Couldn't eat dinner, went to bed early and just laid there all night trying to get comfortable.

Tuesday morning:  Woke up and thought, "Hmmm, maybe that was a fluke."  Got dressed got Mia to school and headed over to OC to get some work done.

And then things got crazy...
Several people were making comments like, "You don't look so hot." and "What's going on with you?" and "I think you need to see a doctor."

Things were getting worse and I decided I need to call my doc who couldn't see me until 4:15 PM.  So I decided to head over to the Mercy Afterhours Clinic.

I got to the front desk and by this time I could barely utter the words, "I need to see a doctor....NOW."  I also said things like, "I never do this." and "I promise I'm not crazy."  and "I'm so sorry I don't have an appointment" and "FOR THE LOVE GET ME INTO AN EXAM ROOM."

Five minutes later a sweet doctor tried to push on my stomach and I let out all kinds of crazy things.

She said she would need to get a urine sample and then would send me over to the hospital.

I said there was no way I could walk to the bathroom.

She said she would help (she had no idea what she was getting herself into).

And that's when it happened.  I birthed the vampire baby right then and there.  And all I could think about were those stupid Twilight books when that ridiculous vampire baby was killing it's own mother from the womb and I thought, "Well great, this is what I get for poo-pooing those books.  I am having a vampire child right here on a filthy clinic bathroom floor."

And then I called Andy in a meeting and said, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGETHERERIGHTNOWYOUIDIOTBECAUSETHISISTHEENDIAMGOINGTODIEANDYOUWILLNEVEREMEMBERTOCHANGETHESHEETSANDMIA'SHAIRWILLLOOKHORRIBLEFORTHERESTOFHERLIFEBECAUSEYOUWILLNEVERBEABLETOFIXITANDTHEKIDSWILLNEVERHAVEAHEALTHYWELLBALANCEDMEALAGAINANDHHHHHHEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEE!"

It wasn't my proudest moment.

And ten minutes later I hear Andy ask someone if they had seen a blonde girl and they sent him right into the girls bathroom where he tried to muffle a shriek of horror at the sight of me.

"What happened?" he asked.

"I just gave birth to a baby made of razorblades with no drugs, that's what happened," I said.

I think the nurse may have corrected me.

And then I felt better.  And the Good Doctor gave me a shot and sent me to the hospital to make sure there were no more and I slept the day away.

The things I will go through to get a decent nap these days...

12 comments:

ann said...

Good Lord almighty, Summer! Bless your heart! You're a tough cookie!

Ryan and Katie said...

OUCH!! Before I read below the pic I thought that was a milk dud.

Wa Wa Waughs said...

I AM SO SORRY!

At least we all know now what to expect if we ever birth one of those things!

Kristen said...

Oh my word!! Summer I'm so sorry you had to go through that but love that even in such a painful story you had me literally laughing out loud reading this... you really have the best humor! So glad you're feeling better!! Lucky for Mia's hair you survived though :)

Elizabeth Mullins said...

Summer, I am pretty sure most people are going to want front row seats to your next afterhours clinic adventures because of how you describe your adventures...sorry you had to deal with that!

The McDowells said...

Ouch!!!! I hope it doesn't happen again! Did they say what caused them?

D's Mom said...

Oh, Summer, I am sorry!! Sounds extremely painful....I'm so glad you're better now.

Erick said...

Andy and I should record a homemade short film to reenact this story. Naturally, Andy will play you.

Kayla said...

Pretty sure I'd pay money to see Erick and Andy's short film. Glad it's over and done with. I had no idea those got so big.

Andrea said...

I'm shocked. The picture alone makes me cringe. You deserve more than a nap.

Lori said...

So sorry Summer!! I can't even imagine!

the.fortes said...

Ouch. Only you could make me laugh out loud (I am talking tears) about something so semi-tragic and not fun that happened to you. I am glad you feel better!