Look what the evil Halloween spirits brought me...

That's right, folks, my very first kidney stone (aka vampire baby)!

And it goes a little somthin' like this:

Sunday:  Feeling kinda weird with some lower back pain.  Headed out for my usual run and had to turn around and come back home after about 50 yards.

Monday:  More back pain and the general yucks.

Monday night:  Couldn't eat dinner, went to bed early and just laid there all night trying to get comfortable.

Tuesday morning:  Woke up and thought, "Hmmm, maybe that was a fluke."  Got dressed got Mia to school and headed over to OC to get some work done.

And then things got crazy...
Several people were making comments like, "You don't look so hot." and "What's going on with you?" and "I think you need to see a doctor."

Things were getting worse and I decided I need to call my doc who couldn't see me until 4:15 PM.  So I decided to head over to the Mercy Afterhours Clinic.

I got to the front desk and by this time I could barely utter the words, "I need to see a doctor....NOW."  I also said things like, "I never do this." and "I promise I'm not crazy."  and "I'm so sorry I don't have an appointment" and "FOR THE LOVE GET ME INTO AN EXAM ROOM."

Five minutes later a sweet doctor tried to push on my stomach and I let out all kinds of crazy things.

She said she would need to get a urine sample and then would send me over to the hospital.

I said there was no way I could walk to the bathroom.

She said she would help (she had no idea what she was getting herself into).

And that's when it happened.  I birthed the vampire baby right then and there.  And all I could think about were those stupid Twilight books when that ridiculous vampire baby was killing it's own mother from the womb and I thought, "Well great, this is what I get for poo-pooing those books.  I am having a vampire child right here on a filthy clinic bathroom floor."

And then I called Andy in a meeting and said, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGETHERERIGHTNOWYOUIDIOTBECAUSETHISISTHEENDIAMGOINGTODIEANDYOUWILLNEVEREMEMBERTOCHANGETHESHEETSANDMIA'SHAIRWILLLOOKHORRIBLEFORTHERESTOFHERLIFEBECAUSEYOUWILLNEVERBEABLETOFIXITANDTHEKIDSWILLNEVERHAVEAHEALTHYWELLBALANCEDMEALAGAINANDHHHHHHEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEE!"

It wasn't my proudest moment.

And ten minutes later I hear Andy ask someone if they had seen a blonde girl and they sent him right into the girls bathroom where he tried to muffle a shriek of horror at the sight of me.

"What happened?" he asked.

"I just gave birth to a baby made of razorblades with no drugs, that's what happened," I said.

I think the nurse may have corrected me.

And then I felt better.  And the Good Doctor gave me a shot and sent me to the hospital to make sure there were no more and I slept the day away.

The things I will go through to get a decent nap these days...

Halloween

There is only one place you can go to get Sugar Free Russel Stover's Pecan Goodies,

a handful of old Werther's Originals, 

more peppermints than you can eat in a year,

 some really hard gum,

 and more love, attention, care, and appreciation than you can find just about anywhere.

This was the best Trick-or-Treat spot in town.

I am proud and a little relieved to tell you that Mia decided to be an artist this year.  It fits her perfectly and I challenge you to find a cuter one.

And Bode joined the rest of the population of three-year-old boys to be Buzz Lightyear.

As soon as the kids hit their pillows tonight I am going to curl up with a couple of treat bags and have myself a little party.  I plan to leave no chocolate untouched.

You gotta get yourself one of these babies...

Because if you're like me, and aren't near smart enough to figure it out, your husband will have to help the kids put it together.

 And here's a secret:  It takes hours.

What you can accomplish in the hours this project is going on:  sip a latte (or two), go to the mall, go for a run, take a nap, take a shower and actually shave both legs, and so on and so on...

 This is very similar to my dream house.  For real.

 It really is something to be proud of.  That is, until the littlest helper destroys it (but you will secretly be ok with this because that means they must immediately re-do it).

My kids are officially smarter than I am.  And I am just fine with that, it was inevitable anyway.

2010 Smackdown VS. Raw

It always starts out so innocently.  

Watching TV atop a simple pillow mountain:

They look so serene,

and that's always when it all breaks loose.

And when Bode breaks out the double-fisted punch to the face you know it's time to call in back-up.

After this they begged to sleep together.  

Go figure.

The Loosest Interpretation of the Bible I've Ever Heard

We keep our "bible verse bucket" on the kitchen table.  It is full of memory verses Mia collected from Mrs. McBride's class and a Bible story book.

The point is to read a bible story and do a few memory verses while we are eating together as a family.

Mia usually reads the verses and demands that has Bode repeat after her.

The other day Bode said, "Mommy, I be Mia and you be Bode and I teach you your bible verses."

Who's going to say no to that?

Here is a sampling of some of my favorites:

"Shout at the Lord."

"Thank the children."

"You must obey the baseball game."

"Worship your happy heart."

Then the Angel said, "Open your space wings."

Moses said, "Go with your people."

And finally, The Lord said, "You must obey your children."

*All exerts from the The New International Bode Version.

I hereby declare myself the Queen of mediocre birthday parties.

Once again I cranked out the best sub-par birthday party ever.

Some things never get old.  However, bunny ears behind the head is not one of them.

Mia's request was an "art party where I teach my friends art lessons and they sit and listen to everything I say."  

My response, "No possible way."

"I wanted an art lesson, these bouncy toys blow."

Dear Bode, Do yourself a favor and marry this girl so my grandchildren will be beautiful.  Love, Mom

Blow Up Obstacle Course; a toy the whole family can enjoy.

On the menu: ice cream.  That's right, just ice cream.

I was feeling pretty good about this decision until Mia requested that at the top of her invitation I put "the cake lady is out of town this weekend so I only get ice cream at my party."

I felt a little guilty for about 1.5 seconds.

The smug satisfaction of knowing that I didn't just forget to bring candles to his birthday party.  

Thankfully Mia didn't even notice that there were no candles.  She was too busy eying the pile of presents.

2011 will be the year of good posture.  It must.

Where there are presents to unwrap there is Raegan.

Mia just realized that we also forgot to get party favors.  She's mortified.

Bode just realized that a couple of his family members, who shall remain nameless, caved and bought him presents too. 

Next year I plan to take my mediocrity even further and attempt to have a "no presents" party.  We'll see how that goes over with the children.

I will win the war on over-the-top-extravagant-I-can't-pay-the-mortgage-because-I-gave-my-kid-a-birthday-party-and-the-kids-didn't-even-notice-all-the-hard-work-and-attention-to-detail-because-they-can-really-have-fun-just-playing-with-sticks-but-I-put-all-this-pressure-on-myself-to-make-it-perfect-for-nothing game we tend to play.  It has to stop.

I'm just trying to better the world by lowering expectations one birthday party at a time.

Your welcome.

Must. Obsessively. Document. Daughter's. First. Field. Trip.