I don't hate myself enough to eat quinoa.

I am willing to do all kinds of trendy things in the name of health. I eat greek yogurt, put spinach and kale in my smoothies, and meet friends for lunch at Cool Greens.

I'm all about jumping on the latest bandwagons. Once, I made kale chips and dipped them in hummus, for goodness sake.

So the other day I was in Sam's alone. That was my first mistake. And somehow I ended up leaving the store with quite a few pounds of quinoa. It's gluten free, it's organic. It's so hipster trendy that it's now ethically controversial. Once again, I was high-fiving myself for being the most amazing mom ever. "My kids are so going to thank me for this," I thought.

And then I made it.

Do not be fooled by the artsy pictures on Pinterest. 

 

In real life it mostly resembles my dog's vomit.

It tastes like sand with little pieces of sea shells mixed in it. Bode literally cried when he put it in his mouth. Even the dog wouldn't eat it. He would rather eat his own vomit. I'm not kidding, he has actually eaten his own vomit and would not eat this.

I'll leave the quinoa for the morally questionable vegan hipsters who do not care about the poor children in Peru.

I'm just trying to save lives, ya'll.